Gunna clear up some things...

Okay, so John didnt block and delete me, he has just been away from the computer to better his anxiety and it turns out that my rude remark on his blog lost him a job...and it proves once again how I jump to conclusions. Afterall thats why my beloved husband is sitting in the clinker right now. So now I can definitely see it clearer thats for damned sure. So once again John, Im sorry. Everything has been getting to me lately and I just dont take chances on trusting or giving anyone the benefit of the doubt because on June 19th when I Gave the hubbys brother that, it didnt get me very far very fast...well it did but not in the direction one would hope for.
Well my throat still gosh darn hurts like a biznatch and everyone keeps telling me to go to the doctors so Im going to go on Monday to see him,lol. And reluctantly to because for once in my life I actually have been avoiding going(weird for my hypo self, I usually love that place). But on a differnt opinion the reason Im not going isnt because I dont absolutely adore the doctors office but because my hyponess has taken the dirty road and Im convinced Im going to be diagnosed with a sickning illness...niccce....you can do the rest of the math!

Figured it out..

My 'friend' John decided to block and delete me from everything. I dont need to be used and chucked at anyones earliest convenience when Ive done nothing but try my best to help. To hell with you if you wanna be an inconsiderate asshole John.

Its been a month...EXACTLY!

Ok so its been exactly ONE month since I did ANY sort of updating on this blog which Im sure you all dont care either way lol but I do. My hubby is going for a preliminary hearing on July 17th and it is sounding like the charges will get thrown out, atleast thats what we are all hoping for. Having a no contact order sucks since only other people can talk to him EVEN on MY phone which I pay for but I cant even account for ANY of those calls....but hey it feels good just to know that somebody is talking to him to help him bide his time in there and for me to atleast know that he is okay...thats the main thing for me. Other than that I just wanna work on getting him out and home to me and our 2 beautiful daughters who miss him as much as he does us. DAMN my fucking anxiety for putting him in there to begin with. Now lets talk a little about my anxiety and how thats going considering I know that thats what everyone wants updates on...Im going to switch colours now to start the hypo freak update ... lmfao.

Okay so first and foremost I gotta ask, JOHN my hypo friend where the HELL have you dissapeared to?GOD damn who or what made you dissapear all of a sudden. Hopefully nothing bad has happened to you and hopefully you didnt get overwhelmed and put into a padded room or something from having a hypo moment(cause heyy bro I know a couple people who'd do that to me). Joking okay but on a serious note...if you see this and are reading it at some point atleast tell me that your alive. Like damnnn send a smoke signal or something.HAHA.

Well my hypochondria is pretty unstable at the moment unfortunately because of everything that has went on and on top of all that I have an undisclosed being who decided to take it upon himself to get sexually friendly with me against my will and I was too looped to do anything about it. Love the drugs especially when your like me and dont do them unless someone feeds them to you in a beverage. Your going to hell for that buddy,why would you? Thats been killing me but it has been dealt with ... well its in the right process of being dealt with atleast. SO that and my hubbys court has been really stressing me because now Ill have two court cases to deal with....hoping my hubby gets out and hoping my other friend goes in. And I mean friend VERY saracastically. But enough of that Im sure you all want to know what has been actually happening specifically WITH my hypochondria. Well I get chest pains all the time again...and you get it surely heart disease. I get flashbacks from my unfortunate moment, surely my body shutting down from a stroke, again you get it. And now I have aquired a sore throat which has been harassing me on and off for about a week accompanied by some little minor bump in my left tonsil which you get it is surely convincing me I have cancer. On top of all that my successes with avoiding medical advice and self diagnosis on the internet has come to a screeching crash and burn. I have been looking at all the diseases and fatal illnesses and everything all over again on top of that Im obsessed with the future of my family because of the effects of the rape. Ive been stressed to wits end about how many people get off on rape charges and am very fearful of having him return into my life again some how. Scary shit I'll tell ya. I constantly experience flashbacks, constantly fear for my safety from him and think hes around,have nightmares and convince myself even though hes a couple hours away that hes gunna barge down my hallway any minute and get me or get me while Im sleeping. I donno how much more I can take peeps. Be Right Back, going to go check on my daughter.

Feels like my life is over but really its just beginning with a very rough start, Ive been in several relationships in my life and thought some were love. But I think that even though we have had our ups and downs that By far Ive never truly experienced love until now with my husband Sean. This situation we have where my stupidity put him in jail has actually helped me define how much he means to me in reality and how much he means to this family. It has showed me that my life is definitely not better off without him and that after all our stupid little arguements and wanting to leave eachother at times I know now how much we are meant to be together, it took this...us being apart...forcefully separated to find this out. Dont get me wrong I knew I loved him always but not until this did I realize how much it really meant, how in love with him I really was, how much he means to our daughters and how incomplete things feel with him not around. It has given me the strength I needed all through this to fight because I have no doubts now that this is SERIOUSLY worth fighting for. He's my EVERYTHING!!!I just wanna shout it to the world.And of course my children are my everything too, my darling little girls..mommy loves you with all her heart and soul and daddy too!!

Just had to get that out. *sigh* I want him home so bad man. Its hurting me so bad...to not have him here and to witness the hurt in my two little angels' eyes when he never comes home anymore and they cant understand whats going on and maybe think in there precious little brains hes gone for good. When Mackenzie my oldest whos 21 mos looks at her dads picture and says 'all gone' to me and cries. When Autumn our youngest 9 mos says 'dada' and cries for him...ohh the pain Im tellin ya.

I guess I might as well tell you too that I got a new tatty of 3 lillies with my 3 most important peoples names around them on my calf; Sean(my hubby),Mackenzie and Autumn(our precious baby girls). Even though I had a blood poisoning and AIDS scare lmao...it was totally worth it. One of the most awesome decisions I ever made, never regret it, <3

Well I might just start updating this daily even if only for a short while because I want my baby(Sean) to be able to read it when he gets out so he can see how much he means to me on top of me expressing it of course hehe. Well talk to you guys later and thanks for reading if you actually did....

Sincerely,

"The Hypo Queen"

Sam.

ps: the tat was just done on june 26th and i took the pic just now so its kinda scabby lmao but itll give u an idea...awesome comment away!

Lifes been hell aside from a few perks.

Ok believe me I know, its been an eternity since I wrote up a blog for all of my hypo fans and thats just not cool,lol. Well I haven't been having the greatest time lately. The last blog I wrote was on May 7th and on that same night me and my hubby had a mild tiff that my anxiety helped me blow out of proportion and got him arrested on May8th and I have been without him ever since as he is still incarcerated. I feel terrible and our daughters are really upset about not having him here and so am I. Its been really sticky because of him being on parole and man did my stupid thinking patterns get the shit stirred. To top all that off Ive been feeling not at my best lately and my poor husband is sick in there and man I wish I hadnt have done that. The stress that my kids are under over it just kills me inside and I try to stay strong. The fact that my stupidity is causing me a 3000.00 lawyer bill that I cant afford is another stressor. And the worries about how court is going to go is also a stressor...and the fact that they placed a 'no contact' order on him so we cant speak is killing me inside too. So lemme tell all of you out there if you ever have a problem with ur partner make sure you think before you involve the authorities because they make matters worse otherwise. Because basically my baby is in there for nothing but my bullshit and there undoubtful want to get ahold of him just because he has a past criminal record....I think they just want to fill up the jails sometimes I swear. I dont think they take my familys feeling even into account because they are so selfish that since its not their family they dont give a crap about it. Must be a wonderful life to be able to destroy innocent families and not give a shit. What a heartless job. I could never do it. So yah Im angry and I want my baby home. I miss him and love him so much its not even funny...lifes just not the same without him here to light up my life again. He makes it home here and now theres a part of our family missing with him not around and its a very large part of it too. Our kids need their daddy and although we dont always get along like romeo and juliet I miss him terribly because 3 yrs now weve been together and its still what I can say was the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldnt trade it for the world. Sean is my everything(my kids too). They're what keep me going and this just hurts so bad.

My anxiety hasnt been great lately either ... it was getting a bit better until he got carted off...I realize now that hes what helped me stay strong and I couldnt have without him...hes been an important part of my recovery from anxiety. I used to be the type to never take the lorazepam I was prescribed and now I take it all the time because Im just a mess. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day...ugh....down to pick up my cheque and than to the docs and than to the grocery store and than to pay my bills and etc. Well I dont have much else to say right now because Im just so down inside I dont have the pizzazz I usually do...Im counting down the days until June 5th so we can see what happens in that court hearing with my babe...hopefully some good news because we need our life back .... I love you Sean, your my world.The things Im gunna do to you when you come home baby lol...haha.

Ciao for now, Ill write again whenever....
Sam.

Hey Peeps!

Well Im wondering once again where in the hell John is....lmao, hes the master of scaring the hell outta me!Where are ya man?Hows the situation turning out...let me know. Its strange when your not on my blog let alone typing your own...you freak me out when ya dissapear lmao. Well Im just adding a blog that way ya know the hypo queen still prevails lol. I went tanning for the 3rd day  in a row today at the salon and like the other two days the 5 minute timer got down to one minute left and I started panicking my ass off and had to shut it down..lol, the heart started thumping, I became dizzy and lightheaded and I got this uncomfortable sensation in my chest, surely not only was I being blinded by the UV lights(even though i had goggles that screen it 100%) but I was on the verge of death...lol. So it was the same ritual, put my lotion on at home,walkover there and scan in, put my goggles on and lay down,turn on the tanning bed,start to race with irrational thoughts ....really ger panicked,look at the timer which reads 1 minute left,cant take anymore,stop it,stand up and freak,take lorazepam,gobble down half a bottle of water,get dressed and leave feeling like a million bucks. My husband wonders why I torcher myself if it works me up so much to tan there  but I say I like it...and I do minus the panic....but tanning combined with my bottle of drugs and Im peachy. LOL I probably sound like Im turning into an addict now!But...Im not!

Now Im just listening to tunes and blogging for all of you hypo queen fans. The singer Lady GaGA and that song 'poker face'....for some reason I find these lyrics extremely exciting lol *Russian Roulette aint the same without a gun and when it comes to love if it isnt rough it isnt fun*....im not quite sure why those fascinate me so....but they really do.Baha,comment away if you think you know what a hypo like me could possibly love about those few lyrics. Well thats all for now, Im going to go for now....and John make the essence of your LIVING known to me before I sign myself in to the ward on Delhi St...not that I couldnt convince them to take me without u scaring the shit outta me but thats clearly not the point....Holler at your HYPO QUEEN.

Sam.

Missed ANOTHER damn day, didn't I?

Whoa would you look at that the queen of hypochondria missed another blog yesterday,you guys must be super ashamed of me!Well here I am.HAHA. Today the hypo queen(being me) decided to go for a tan at the tanning salon after not going for almost 3 months because of the massive heat stroke I got and burn from using stage 2 lotion for dark tanned skin when I was whiter than a ghost, ya not a good idea ... scary stuff! Today I used the proper lotion and only took 3 minutes and I felt FAB!...and got some decent results for one 3 minute session...a little stress relieving after what turned out to be ANOTHER lorazepam day at the mall earlier. I got bell sympatico internet hooked up today and got rid of my crappy rogers and Im seriously impressed with the results, hellz yah! Yesterday wasn't such a good night either for your hypo queen as I had aquired coronary artery disease,cancer and the swine flu,how exhausting...seems Im in psychological remission today though after my loraz this aft. Havent heard from John in a few and I keep thinking about what he has going on right now and hoping that it isnt so and that things work out for him, thats soo sad and soo mean...whats happening to him. Hope your ok?Update me please Ive been worried sick. Ohhh shit it wasnt cancer I had yesterday along with the coronary srtery disease and swine flu now that I think of it....it was a white blood cell depleting auto immune disease. Thank god for my awesome friend Teresa who always seems to have time to put up with me. Well thats really all I got to say right now, maybe Ill say a little more later because Im enjoying some computer time tonight after being computer free all day until now(which also means webMD free) gimme a big hell yeah. Well off too neopets(hehe,childish but awesome fun game site) and messenger to see if anyone interesting is on and than maybe Ill take off to the anxiety forum for a bit too. Talk to y'all later,

Sam----THE HYPO QUEEN!!

I missed a day!

OMG!I totally just realized when I came on here that I didnt blog at all yesterday!!I actually missed a day. Well Im still freaking out about this persistant chest pain on my left side that I have been experiencing for THREE days now!OMG!Im going crazy at thoughts of a possible heart attack or breast cancer happening which is totally not cool....and scaring the bejesus out of me.  Im talking to my friend about her interesting night lastnight and thats sort of making me laugh. As of yesterday my mother in law started staying with us so she can have 24hr care, and so far so good, I love her! I put all her stuff away as a way to distract me today and have been making her food and thats been helping as well. I finally got my satellite hooked up and it rocks my socks!What else can I babble about OHH Ive taken loraz again today and this is like the 4th day already......and usually im a once a month at most person...and its all because of this chest pain. Im am scheduled to see my doc on the 11th but Im gunna try and whine my way in tomorrow to ease my hypo mind of heart/cancer conditions related to this godammn chest pain....like I have nooo idea why Im getting them either. And of course the more I obsess the weirder It gets and I get arm pain and than manifest my heart attack symtoms(fingers going numb as we speak).

Well Im going to continue to talk to my friend and than Im going to head off to my anxiety forum to screech to them. So Ill talk to you later! And John say something and tell me whats up!!

Sam.