Ok so its been exactly ONE month since I did ANY sort of updating on this blog which Im sure you all dont care either way lol but I do. My hubby is going for a preliminary hearing on July 17th and it is sounding like the charges will get thrown out, atleast thats what we are all hoping for. Having a no contact order sucks since only other people can talk to him EVEN on MY phone which I pay for but I cant even account for ANY of those calls....but hey it feels good just to know that somebody is talking to him to help him bide his time in there and for me to atleast know that he is okay...thats the main thing for me. Other than that I just wanna work on getting him out and home to me and our 2 beautiful daughters who miss him as much as he does us. DAMN my fucking anxiety for putting him in there to begin with. Now lets talk a little about my anxiety and how thats going considering I know that thats what everyone wants updates on...Im going to switch colours now to start the hypo freak update ... lmfao.
Okay so first and foremost I gotta ask, JOHN my hypo friend where the HELL have you dissapeared to?GOD damn who or what made you dissapear all of a sudden. Hopefully nothing bad has happened to you and hopefully you didnt get overwhelmed and put into a padded room or something from having a hypo moment(cause heyy bro I know a couple people who'd do that to me). Joking okay but on a serious note...if you see this and are reading it at some point atleast tell me that your alive. Like damnnn send a smoke signal or something.HAHA.
Well my hypochondria is pretty unstable at the moment unfortunately because of everything that has went on and on top of all that I have an undisclosed being who decided to take it upon himself to get sexually friendly with me against my will and I was too looped to do anything about it. Love the drugs especially when your like me and dont do them unless someone feeds them to you in a beverage. Your going to hell for that buddy,why would you? Thats been killing me but it has been dealt with ... well its in the right process of being dealt with atleast. SO that and my hubbys court has been really stressing me because now Ill have two court cases to deal with....hoping my hubby gets out and hoping my other friend goes in. And I mean friend VERY saracastically. But enough of that Im sure you all want to know what has been actually happening specifically WITH my hypochondria. Well I get chest pains all the time again...and you get it surely heart disease. I get flashbacks from my unfortunate moment, surely my body shutting down from a stroke, again you get it. And now I have aquired a sore throat which has been harassing me on and off for about a week accompanied by some little minor bump in my left tonsil which you get it is surely convincing me I have cancer. On top of all that my successes with avoiding medical advice and self diagnosis on the internet has come to a screeching crash and burn. I have been looking at all the diseases and fatal illnesses and everything all over again on top of that Im obsessed with the future of my family because of the effects of the rape. Ive been stressed to wits end about how many people get off on rape charges and am very fearful of having him return into my life again some how. Scary shit I'll tell ya. I constantly experience flashbacks, constantly fear for my safety from him and think hes around,have nightmares and convince myself even though hes a couple hours away that hes gunna barge down my hallway any minute and get me or get me while Im sleeping. I donno how much more I can take peeps. Be Right Back, going to go check on my daughter.
Feels like my life is over but really its just beginning with a very rough start, Ive been in several relationships in my life and thought some were love. But I think that even though we have had our ups and downs that By far Ive never truly experienced love until now with my husband Sean. This situation we have where my stupidity put him in jail has actually helped me define how much he means to me in reality and how much he means to this family. It has showed me that my life is definitely not better off without him and that after all our stupid little arguements and wanting to leave eachother at times I know now how much we are meant to be together, it took this...us being apart...forcefully separated to find this out. Dont get me wrong I knew I loved him always but not until this did I realize how much it really meant, how in love with him I really was, how much he means to our daughters and how incomplete things feel with him not around. It has given me the strength I needed all through this to fight because I have no doubts now that this is SERIOUSLY worth fighting for. He's my EVERYTHING!!!I just wanna shout it to the world.And of course my children are my everything too, my darling little girls..mommy loves you with all her heart and soul and daddy too!!
Just had to get that out. *sigh* I want him home so bad man. Its hurting me so bad...to not have him here and to witness the hurt in my two little angels' eyes when he never comes home anymore and they cant understand whats going on and maybe think in there precious little brains hes gone for good. When Mackenzie my oldest whos 21 mos looks at her dads picture and says 'all gone' to me and cries. When Autumn our youngest 9 mos says 'dada' and cries for him...ohh the pain Im tellin ya.
I guess I might as well tell you too that I got a new tatty of 3 lillies with my 3 most important peoples names around them on my calf; Sean(my hubby),Mackenzie and Autumn(our precious baby girls). Even though I had a blood poisoning and AIDS scare lmao...it was totally worth it. One of the most awesome decisions I ever made, never regret it, <3
Well I might just start updating this daily even if only for a short while because I want my baby(Sean) to be able to read it when he gets out so he can see how much he means to me on top of me expressing it of course hehe. Well talk to you guys later and thanks for reading if you actually did....
Sincerely,
"The Hypo Queen"
Sam.
ps: the tat was just done on june 26th and i took the pic just now so its kinda scabby lmao but itll give u an idea...awesome comment away!
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