Lifes been hell aside from a few perks.

Ok believe me I know, its been an eternity since I wrote up a blog for all of my hypo fans and thats just not cool,lol. Well I haven't been having the greatest time lately. The last blog I wrote was on May 7th and on that same night me and my hubby had a mild tiff that my anxiety helped me blow out of proportion and got him arrested on May8th and I have been without him ever since as he is still incarcerated. I feel terrible and our daughters are really upset about not having him here and so am I. Its been really sticky because of him being on parole and man did my stupid thinking patterns get the shit stirred. To top all that off Ive been feeling not at my best lately and my poor husband is sick in there and man I wish I hadnt have done that. The stress that my kids are under over it just kills me inside and I try to stay strong. The fact that my stupidity is causing me a 3000.00 lawyer bill that I cant afford is another stressor. And the worries about how court is going to go is also a stressor...and the fact that they placed a 'no contact' order on him so we cant speak is killing me inside too. So lemme tell all of you out there if you ever have a problem with ur partner make sure you think before you involve the authorities because they make matters worse otherwise. Because basically my baby is in there for nothing but my bullshit and there undoubtful want to get ahold of him just because he has a past criminal record....I think they just want to fill up the jails sometimes I swear. I dont think they take my familys feeling even into account because they are so selfish that since its not their family they dont give a crap about it. Must be a wonderful life to be able to destroy innocent families and not give a shit. What a heartless job. I could never do it. So yah Im angry and I want my baby home. I miss him and love him so much its not even funny...lifes just not the same without him here to light up my life again. He makes it home here and now theres a part of our family missing with him not around and its a very large part of it too. Our kids need their daddy and although we dont always get along like romeo and juliet I miss him terribly because 3 yrs now weve been together and its still what I can say was the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldnt trade it for the world. Sean is my everything(my kids too). They're what keep me going and this just hurts so bad.

My anxiety hasnt been great lately either ... it was getting a bit better until he got carted off...I realize now that hes what helped me stay strong and I couldnt have without him...hes been an important part of my recovery from anxiety. I used to be the type to never take the lorazepam I was prescribed and now I take it all the time because Im just a mess. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day...ugh....down to pick up my cheque and than to the docs and than to the grocery store and than to pay my bills and etc. Well I dont have much else to say right now because Im just so down inside I dont have the pizzazz I usually do...Im counting down the days until June 5th so we can see what happens in that court hearing with my babe...hopefully some good news because we need our life back .... I love you Sean, your my world.The things Im gunna do to you when you come home baby lol...haha.

Ciao for now, Ill write again whenever....
Sam.

Hey Peeps!

Well Im wondering once again where in the hell John is....lmao, hes the master of scaring the hell outta me!Where are ya man?Hows the situation turning out...let me know. Its strange when your not on my blog let alone typing your own...you freak me out when ya dissapear lmao. Well Im just adding a blog that way ya know the hypo queen still prevails lol. I went tanning for the 3rd day  in a row today at the salon and like the other two days the 5 minute timer got down to one minute left and I started panicking my ass off and had to shut it down..lol, the heart started thumping, I became dizzy and lightheaded and I got this uncomfortable sensation in my chest, surely not only was I being blinded by the UV lights(even though i had goggles that screen it 100%) but I was on the verge of death...lol. So it was the same ritual, put my lotion on at home,walkover there and scan in, put my goggles on and lay down,turn on the tanning bed,start to race with irrational thoughts ....really ger panicked,look at the timer which reads 1 minute left,cant take anymore,stop it,stand up and freak,take lorazepam,gobble down half a bottle of water,get dressed and leave feeling like a million bucks. My husband wonders why I torcher myself if it works me up so much to tan there  but I say I like it...and I do minus the panic....but tanning combined with my bottle of drugs and Im peachy. LOL I probably sound like Im turning into an addict now!But...Im not!

Now Im just listening to tunes and blogging for all of you hypo queen fans. The singer Lady GaGA and that song 'poker face'....for some reason I find these lyrics extremely exciting lol *Russian Roulette aint the same without a gun and when it comes to love if it isnt rough it isnt fun*....im not quite sure why those fascinate me so....but they really do.Baha,comment away if you think you know what a hypo like me could possibly love about those few lyrics. Well thats all for now, Im going to go for now....and John make the essence of your LIVING known to me before I sign myself in to the ward on Delhi St...not that I couldnt convince them to take me without u scaring the shit outta me but thats clearly not the point....Holler at your HYPO QUEEN.

Sam.

Missed ANOTHER damn day, didn't I?

Whoa would you look at that the queen of hypochondria missed another blog yesterday,you guys must be super ashamed of me!Well here I am.HAHA. Today the hypo queen(being me) decided to go for a tan at the tanning salon after not going for almost 3 months because of the massive heat stroke I got and burn from using stage 2 lotion for dark tanned skin when I was whiter than a ghost, ya not a good idea ... scary stuff! Today I used the proper lotion and only took 3 minutes and I felt FAB!...and got some decent results for one 3 minute session...a little stress relieving after what turned out to be ANOTHER lorazepam day at the mall earlier. I got bell sympatico internet hooked up today and got rid of my crappy rogers and Im seriously impressed with the results, hellz yah! Yesterday wasn't such a good night either for your hypo queen as I had aquired coronary artery disease,cancer and the swine flu,how exhausting...seems Im in psychological remission today though after my loraz this aft. Havent heard from John in a few and I keep thinking about what he has going on right now and hoping that it isnt so and that things work out for him, thats soo sad and soo mean...whats happening to him. Hope your ok?Update me please Ive been worried sick. Ohhh shit it wasnt cancer I had yesterday along with the coronary srtery disease and swine flu now that I think of it....it was a white blood cell depleting auto immune disease. Thank god for my awesome friend Teresa who always seems to have time to put up with me. Well thats really all I got to say right now, maybe Ill say a little more later because Im enjoying some computer time tonight after being computer free all day until now(which also means webMD free) gimme a big hell yeah. Well off too neopets(hehe,childish but awesome fun game site) and messenger to see if anyone interesting is on and than maybe Ill take off to the anxiety forum for a bit too. Talk to y'all later,

Sam----THE HYPO QUEEN!!

I missed a day!

OMG!I totally just realized when I came on here that I didnt blog at all yesterday!!I actually missed a day. Well Im still freaking out about this persistant chest pain on my left side that I have been experiencing for THREE days now!OMG!Im going crazy at thoughts of a possible heart attack or breast cancer happening which is totally not cool....and scaring the bejesus out of me.  Im talking to my friend about her interesting night lastnight and thats sort of making me laugh. As of yesterday my mother in law started staying with us so she can have 24hr care, and so far so good, I love her! I put all her stuff away as a way to distract me today and have been making her food and thats been helping as well. I finally got my satellite hooked up and it rocks my socks!What else can I babble about OHH Ive taken loraz again today and this is like the 4th day already......and usually im a once a month at most person...and its all because of this chest pain. Im am scheduled to see my doc on the 11th but Im gunna try and whine my way in tomorrow to ease my hypo mind of heart/cancer conditions related to this godammn chest pain....like I have nooo idea why Im getting them either. And of course the more I obsess the weirder It gets and I get arm pain and than manifest my heart attack symtoms(fingers going numb as we speak).

Well Im going to continue to talk to my friend and than Im going to head off to my anxiety forum to screech to them. So Ill talk to you later! And John say something and tell me whats up!!

Sam.

A Hypo Laugh-A-Thon at Its BEST!

Yaa,exactly what it says a laugh-a-thon is what I have in store for you today. Lastnight was a relatively good night and until around midnight it was pretty uneventful...but than at the strike of midnight I called my good friend Teresa because we havent chatted in awhile. And of course she asked me how my battle with health anxiety has been going so I told her good, no more psychiatrist and no more meds at the docs orders. Now all I have is my counsellor which is nothing at all really. But than *drum roll* my good friend WedMD decided to speak loudly through a link of a 'brain eating amoeba' so I HAD TO click on it, naturally. And than after reading about it I had to search the symptoms of it and lemme tell you as fascinating as it was within about 30 seconds of reading about its 1% survival rate and 2 weeks to live platform I was flipping my lid. I was @ the max anxiety level and every little sound scared me I was so peaked. Than my head started to tingle and ya I was encountering the symptoms so I will give all of you fellow hypos the warning now before you get to google searching brain eating amoeba's...its called n.fowleri and you DONT DONT want to read about it as its very very unpleasant TRUST me. 

Another thing that sort of sucks is that I ended up having to feed myself some lorazepam today just a few minutes ago as I was experiencing yucky chest and stomach pains. Im not sure from what but Im trying not to think about it as its probably health anxiety related. See John, your not the onloy one with the chest pain, ugh and I know how much it sucks as today was one of the most persistant ones Ive ever had! Mind you I only took 0.25mg of loraz and it seems to be doing the trick so thats always a bonus. Though Ive taken it twice in the last week which is odd for a usual once evey 6 month person. But Ive only taken a total of one pill broken into both doses this week so its all good. Anyways I guess thats what stress starts to do to the human body after awhile. YUck its left,centre and RIGHT chest pain, yuck yuck yuck!Well Im done ranting for now and I see I have another follower WELCOME ABOARD and be sure to tell all your fellow hypo friends to join here lol to humour them. And dont be shy post some comments lol.

Sam.